Spoke to an old friend the other week. I hadn't seen her for about 3 years, but we bumped into each other at Shoprite where she has a summer job.
Here's a little history: We stopped being friends because one day during my freshmen year of college she sent me an instant message saying that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Not only was it a very immature high school way to end a friendship, but it was a very hurtful way. Even back then I thought the entire concept of going to someone and saying "I'm not your friend anymore," was reminiscent of junior high, things that little kids say to other kids, not something said in an adult or even late-teen setting. The immaturity of the situation made me want to laugh, but the fact that someone that I had once been very close to was telling me that they no longer wanted me to be involved in their life... I was really hurt by it.
So to make a long story just a little shorter, I'll skip to after I'd given her my number. She called me up one night, and during the first real conversation we've had in years, she starts talking about some real serious issues like death. And this really reminded me of the problems with our past friendship. You have to remember, we haven't spoken in three years, this was not appropriate conversation. Then I remembered that she always did this type of thing... wanted to talk about these issues that I either cared nothing about, or spoke about serious issuse at inappropriate points in time (like bringing up natural disasters at a little party I threw to meet up with old friends and to catch up on each others lives and hang out, something planned as a fun event, to hopefully keep friendships from growing to far apart... we all grew apart anyway).
If she'd waited till we were more acquainted with each other a little better I would have felt more comfortable talking about this with her... You have to know, I have small panic attacks when I think about death... usually when I'm at home alone and I think just a little too deeply... every now and then I re-realize that no matter what I do, I can't escape death, and I start crying... I've even had a very real dream about my death. It's an issue that I typically avoid at all costs... I absolutely cannot talk about this in a casual conversation. So I didn't say a word, I let her go on a thirty minute rant about death, and I held the phone up to my ear while watching "Shakespeare in Love" on the television. Then she got mad that I wasn't really participating in the conversation. But there was nothing I could say to explain myself, because she put me in a position where I felt very uncomfortable.
So the possible rekindling of our friendship ended.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Cluster of Rushed Thought
(A look at thoughts that randomly popped into my mind. Over the course of 5 to 10 minutes I analyzed almost every personal subject that a person can.)
> > > I KNOW IT’S A LONG POST, JUST PICK ONE PARAGRAPH, I DON’T EXPECT ANYONE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING, I JUST HAD A LOT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS TIME.
Had a big brainstorm this morning. I don’t know how it started. I was watching TV and I must have seen a scene that triggered a thought, and then more thoughts just kept tumbling into my head.
Mortality Freaks Me Out
I thought of my grandmother’s funeral, and thought of how much I liked her. It’s one thing to be family, but to have family that you really like, that you would have chosen to know even if you weren’t related to them, that’s rare for me. She was always such a cool person. I think the thing I liked most about her was that she liked me, I can tell just from the look in someone’s eye, or the way they speak to me, exactly where I stand with them. And this might sound boisterous or obnoxious, but I really believe that she liked me more than some of the other family members. I think she understood me, understood a part of me, more than most.
I Rarely act so Over-sentimental
That led to thoughts about my nephew, how much I like him. He’s gonna be such a good looking guy when he’s older, and he’s sweet and I really hope he stays that way. My sister spoils him too much though and I’m afraid that he’s gonna end up going from a spoiled little boy to a selfish spoiled man. I have enough family members that I really don’t like that much, I’m hoping that he doesn’t become one of them. I focus on him so much because the only other family members that I know will be in my life, for my entire life, are older than me, so they’ll die before me, and then when I die, he’ll be the only one left to remember me. So I hope we’ll be close throughout our lives. I hate that he’s growing up so fast. I’m being sappy in this post, but I’m normally not that way at all. Mushy, “I love you” “I miss you” garbage makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel it, but I never show it.
Ah Yes!!! The Beginning
Wait, now I remember how it started!!! I was watching Turner Classic Movies, as usual, and they had a segment about Lauren Bacal. And I started thinking about how I’d like my hair to grow long enough so I could where it the way she used to. And then I started thinking that I could where my hair like her, and then dress like a modern version of Katherine Hepburn. (I don’t have the fashion sense, nor the guts to pull it off, but if I did, I would definitely dress in a retro 40’s or 50’s style.)
Pretty Sometimes
I guess that led to me thinking about my physical appearance. I mean, I know I’m pretty at times, but then other times I feel like the ugliest thing in all of NJ. I guess the way I view myself depends on how good of a mood I’m in that day. Well now this part is making me uncomfortable. It’s weird to say I’m pretty. I really do know I am, but it’s just weird to say it, makes me feel ugly when I say I’m pretty. Hard to explain, so I’ll skip to the next subject.
A Bout of Depression
A commercial for depression medication got me thinking about my mental health. I was officially diagnosed with depression this past October, but I knew I had depression for years. It didn’t deeply affect my life, but every now and then I knew that I was feeling a little too sad for it to be normal. I don’t take the medication anymore, took it for about two months and then stopped when it threw my period off track, I got a little paranoid about the way the meds might be changing my body. Really, I believe that I was misdiagnosed. Yes I’m depressed sometimes, but I don’t see why they say it’s a chemical imbalance. It feels like just plan old emotional problems to me. I don’t really know why I think my depression is different from anyone else’s. All I know is that while I was taking that medication, I started using depression as an excuse, my grades fell, I was more emotional then I’d been before being diagnosed…. I had to forget about depression so that I could live normally. The pills made me think there was something wrong with me, and I started acting as if I had some kind of a handicap.
I would have kept on brainstorming but got distracted by this crazy movie. Wrote about the movie in the post under this one.
> > > I KNOW IT’S A LONG POST, JUST PICK ONE PARAGRAPH, I DON’T EXPECT ANYONE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING, I JUST HAD A LOT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS TIME.
Had a big brainstorm this morning. I don’t know how it started. I was watching TV and I must have seen a scene that triggered a thought, and then more thoughts just kept tumbling into my head.
Mortality Freaks Me Out
I thought of my grandmother’s funeral, and thought of how much I liked her. It’s one thing to be family, but to have family that you really like, that you would have chosen to know even if you weren’t related to them, that’s rare for me. She was always such a cool person. I think the thing I liked most about her was that she liked me, I can tell just from the look in someone’s eye, or the way they speak to me, exactly where I stand with them. And this might sound boisterous or obnoxious, but I really believe that she liked me more than some of the other family members. I think she understood me, understood a part of me, more than most.
I Rarely act so Over-sentimental
That led to thoughts about my nephew, how much I like him. He’s gonna be such a good looking guy when he’s older, and he’s sweet and I really hope he stays that way. My sister spoils him too much though and I’m afraid that he’s gonna end up going from a spoiled little boy to a selfish spoiled man. I have enough family members that I really don’t like that much, I’m hoping that he doesn’t become one of them. I focus on him so much because the only other family members that I know will be in my life, for my entire life, are older than me, so they’ll die before me, and then when I die, he’ll be the only one left to remember me. So I hope we’ll be close throughout our lives. I hate that he’s growing up so fast. I’m being sappy in this post, but I’m normally not that way at all. Mushy, “I love you” “I miss you” garbage makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel it, but I never show it.
Ah Yes!!! The Beginning
Wait, now I remember how it started!!! I was watching Turner Classic Movies, as usual, and they had a segment about Lauren Bacal. And I started thinking about how I’d like my hair to grow long enough so I could where it the way she used to. And then I started thinking that I could where my hair like her, and then dress like a modern version of Katherine Hepburn. (I don’t have the fashion sense, nor the guts to pull it off, but if I did, I would definitely dress in a retro 40’s or 50’s style.)
Pretty Sometimes
I guess that led to me thinking about my physical appearance. I mean, I know I’m pretty at times, but then other times I feel like the ugliest thing in all of NJ. I guess the way I view myself depends on how good of a mood I’m in that day. Well now this part is making me uncomfortable. It’s weird to say I’m pretty. I really do know I am, but it’s just weird to say it, makes me feel ugly when I say I’m pretty. Hard to explain, so I’ll skip to the next subject.
A Bout of Depression
A commercial for depression medication got me thinking about my mental health. I was officially diagnosed with depression this past October, but I knew I had depression for years. It didn’t deeply affect my life, but every now and then I knew that I was feeling a little too sad for it to be normal. I don’t take the medication anymore, took it for about two months and then stopped when it threw my period off track, I got a little paranoid about the way the meds might be changing my body. Really, I believe that I was misdiagnosed. Yes I’m depressed sometimes, but I don’t see why they say it’s a chemical imbalance. It feels like just plan old emotional problems to me. I don’t really know why I think my depression is different from anyone else’s. All I know is that while I was taking that medication, I started using depression as an excuse, my grades fell, I was more emotional then I’d been before being diagnosed…. I had to forget about depression so that I could live normally. The pills made me think there was something wrong with me, and I started acting as if I had some kind of a handicap.
I would have kept on brainstorming but got distracted by this crazy movie. Wrote about the movie in the post under this one.
In Movies, Sanity is Not a Requirement
Watching the weirdest movie right now, about a man and a leopard who fall in love. I have no idea where this movie’s headed, but I can’t stop watching now, I’m soooo curious. It’s called “Passion in the Dessert” (1998). Here’s the summary that’s given about the movie:
“A Napoleonic soldier lost amidst the dunes of the Sahara Dessert develops a tender relationship with a deadly female leopard. As they continue their symbolic journey through the wilderness, their bizarre passion for one another deepens.”
(15 minutes later) Now the guy in the movie just caught the leopard cheating on him with another leopard. I don’t know what kind of person even thought up this storyline, and I don’t know who thought it was good enough to invest the money to make this movie, but I have to admit, I NEED to know what happens next, lol, I feel stupid for watching this but I’m sucked in.
(30 minutes later) Now he just killed the leopard. I’m confused, why was this movie even made? It’s really crazy. If you could see it you’d feel like I do. I just know that whoever made this is living in an insane asylum right now, cuz this had to have been created by a schizophrenic nut.Next movie I’m about to watch is much less nutty, but equally creepy. It’s “Duel” (1971) saw it years ago when I was a little girl, but it’s great, it’s unforgettable.
“A Napoleonic soldier lost amidst the dunes of the Sahara Dessert develops a tender relationship with a deadly female leopard. As they continue their symbolic journey through the wilderness, their bizarre passion for one another deepens.”
(15 minutes later) Now the guy in the movie just caught the leopard cheating on him with another leopard. I don’t know what kind of person even thought up this storyline, and I don’t know who thought it was good enough to invest the money to make this movie, but I have to admit, I NEED to know what happens next, lol, I feel stupid for watching this but I’m sucked in.
(30 minutes later) Now he just killed the leopard. I’m confused, why was this movie even made? It’s really crazy. If you could see it you’d feel like I do. I just know that whoever made this is living in an insane asylum right now, cuz this had to have been created by a schizophrenic nut.Next movie I’m about to watch is much less nutty, but equally creepy. It’s “Duel” (1971) saw it years ago when I was a little girl, but it’s great, it’s unforgettable.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Sleepless Nights
So I've had trouble sleeping at night for as long as I can remember.
REALLY I remember staying awake for 2 days in a row when I was only five, I just stared out the window all night and waited for the sun to come up. But back then I was really just testing to see if it was even possible to stay awake for that long.
Now my problem is only that I'm a night owl. I like staying up all night, and then I sleep early in the morning. This isn't an all the time thing, just every once in a while. But my mother keeps making a big deal out of it.
I guess not sleeping isn't my problem at all. The real problem is that I'm still living with my mother. I'm a 20 year old college student, so it's not like my life is going nowhere. But, a few years ago, I thought I'd be in my own apartment by now, with a steady job. I let my expectations get too high when I was younger and now I'm paying for it, my life isn't living up to the dream. The woman that I refer to as my mother is actually my grandmother. She doesn't look her age, she looks like she's only in her 40's (she's actually in her 60's) but she definatly acts her age. She's very moody and loves to nag about everything. She's too much for me to deal with at times (like today), and those are the times when I really wish I had my own place. Today her issue with me was the fact that I didn't go to sleep last night.
REALLY I remember staying awake for 2 days in a row when I was only five, I just stared out the window all night and waited for the sun to come up. But back then I was really just testing to see if it was even possible to stay awake for that long.
Now my problem is only that I'm a night owl. I like staying up all night, and then I sleep early in the morning. This isn't an all the time thing, just every once in a while. But my mother keeps making a big deal out of it.
I guess not sleeping isn't my problem at all. The real problem is that I'm still living with my mother. I'm a 20 year old college student, so it's not like my life is going nowhere. But, a few years ago, I thought I'd be in my own apartment by now, with a steady job. I let my expectations get too high when I was younger and now I'm paying for it, my life isn't living up to the dream. The woman that I refer to as my mother is actually my grandmother. She doesn't look her age, she looks like she's only in her 40's (she's actually in her 60's) but she definatly acts her age. She's very moody and loves to nag about everything. She's too much for me to deal with at times (like today), and those are the times when I really wish I had my own place. Today her issue with me was the fact that I didn't go to sleep last night.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
The Sunny Side Of Life
I seem to have a bit of an obsession with the past. Not my past... the 1940's and 50's.
My favorite movies, my favorite art work, the fashion, the hair styles, all things I love about the era.
I love, love, love, love, love Tennessee Williams. Internally I can be a little morbid and dreary at times, and his plays really speak to me. Often the movies that depress me the most end up being my favorites, because they end up showing me that I'm not the only person that feels the way I do about life. Even though the characters in my favorite pieces by Tennessee Williams don't have the usual happy ending, they still make me feel great, like even if my life doesn't turn out like a fairy tale, in the end I still might turn out happy, at least to some degree.
My favorite two are The Glass Menagerie and Baby Doll.
Favorite pieces of art: Edward Hopper Nighthawks and Rooms by the Sea
My favorite movies, my favorite art work, the fashion, the hair styles, all things I love about the era.
I love, love, love, love, love Tennessee Williams. Internally I can be a little morbid and dreary at times, and his plays really speak to me. Often the movies that depress me the most end up being my favorites, because they end up showing me that I'm not the only person that feels the way I do about life. Even though the characters in my favorite pieces by Tennessee Williams don't have the usual happy ending, they still make me feel great, like even if my life doesn't turn out like a fairy tale, in the end I still might turn out happy, at least to some degree.
My favorite two are The Glass Menagerie and Baby Doll.
Favorite pieces of art: Edward Hopper Nighthawks and Rooms by the Sea
Just Saying Hi
Hey!
Just saying hi. Joined the blog on a whim.
I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna make this blog about.
Just saying hi. Joined the blog on a whim.
I still haven't figured out what I'm gonna make this blog about.
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