Drum Life

I watch others dance, "So You Think You Can Dance", YouTube videos, etc. And I can't stop wishing it was me. I used to dance, not in a studio, but in my living room in front of the enormous mirror my mother hung behind the couch. It was a daily thing I did after school each day, for years.

Found some videos on YouTube of people dancing to this song by Brandy called Drum Life.



Well all I really want to say is that I want to dance. As soon as I find a job and have some real income, I'm going to find some dance lessons for amateurs. I also want to start playing the flute again, but I'm sure that private lessons are expensive, so I don't know if I'll take that hobby up again. At least not for a few years.

What's a shy girl to do?

I have a few blogs floating around.

This one... a couple xanga's.

And I don't know what to do with them. I want one that I can be completely candid, but I can't be connected to it, because I'll never be alright with people I know being able to go online and see all of my innermost thoughts.

Should this one be that secret blog? If anyone happens to read this, please give me some advice on how to designate certain blogs for certain topics.

Mr. Mr. who is this Mr. Mr. ???

I did something stupid. I bet on myself, put my money on myself, thought I could depend on myself. But now I have to take that long list of people I can't trust and add my name to the list. I'm up to my neck in dept and I don't know what I can do about it at this point. I'm working 2 part time jobs and still don't make enough to cover the bills. My rent isn't even a REAL rent. About two months ago I started paying rent with credit, paying for my mothers cable bills with one of my visa's instead of giving her cash like I used to.

I'm also a full time college student trying to make it through my last year, but I messed up... and I don't feel like detailing how I messed up, but the short story is, my grades won't be too great.

.... I'd never really hurt myself, but sometimes, times like now, I wish I could kick myself in the ass for messing up my life. I'm not old enough to be this tired.

Not so dark...

Just realized that in the past, the only time I post on here is when I'm depressed. I think it's kinda funny.

Well I'm feeling good today, just got a new job, less financial burdens weighing me down. And I'm thinking I need to start posting on here more often, not just when I'm moody.

Anyway, it's late now, and I have a lot to do. I start work at 8:30 tomorrow, which means I have to catch my train at 6:05 a.m.

I gotta get my life together.

Read someone else's blog tonight that got me in the mood to vent. So now I rant...

I'm 22 in my 5th (AND FINAL,finally) year of college. Realizing that I don't really like my major, don't know what I'm gonna do with it afterwards. Sharing rent with my mother.

I got a guy that I keep telling myself I'm done with, yet I'm lonely so every time he calls I forget that I'm not supposed to be with him anymore. He's a loser, 28, in and out of jail for VERY DUMB stuff. Has an 8 year old daughter that he hardly sees even though she lives in the next town. He doesn't work, so I find myself spending the little bit of money I have on him. He's always smoking weed (I DON'T) and drinking.

I think my bodies maturing faster than my brain because I keep seeing babies, and all of a sudden they are soooo much cuter than they used to be, and I see myself with kids. Of course when I come back to Earth I remember, "Oh yeah, I really don't want a kid. I don't have the maturity, the patience, the money, the stability."

To me getting my life together would entail:

-get a good paying job
-get a place (either my own or with a roommate that is NOT A FAMILY MEMBER)
-and yes, I want a real boyfriend, cuz I need someone I can depend on and I don't have that... haven't had that

--- The ultimate thing I want is to start my life, cuz it feels like everything's on pause and if something doesn't change I'll wake and find myself at 35, still working somewhere I hate, still lonely, still childless, and OMG still living with my mother.

Depression, tonight...

I keep posting on different sites hoping someone will read this. I just want to know someone read this, AT LEAST PART OF IT. I don't know why I... I just need attnetion tonight... I'm lonely and I really don't have anyone to talk to. So I just want to feel like I told my feelings to someone.

I feel soo terrible, absolutely terrible. DEPRESSED

I was diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago. But I stopped taking the meds after about 3 months because I wasn't getting my period, and had a scare and thought I was pregnant. Anyway, I can't prove that it happened because of the pills, but I just have a feeling that the pills had something to do with me not getting my period for 2 months.

So now... the reason I'm writing this, I feel so lonely. Last night and tonight. Actually all summer, but now I can't stop crying, can't sleep, just wanna walk somewhere (it's 2 a.m. so that's not a good idea). My birthday's coming up this Sunday, so that's probably part of the reason why I suddenly feel this way. Plus this was supposed to be the year I graduate from college, but now all my friends are finished and I'm not.

I just feel so lonely. This guy I've kinda been seeing on and off for 2 and 1/2 years... he just sucks. He used to be a great friend, now he's still nice, but he just sucks. He's about 7 years older then me, still jobless, still lives with his mother. He still has pictures of him and his ex up on his Myspace. I let him know it bothered me (tried to avoid trying to boss him around and ordering him to take it down... cuz he should just want to take it down, if he cares about me now). But anyway, it's still there.

I have no one to confide in. I just fell like shit. Like my life is headed nowhere. I feel sooooo terrible. Can't describe the feeling right. I guess like I'm running out of time, like I'm waisting time, like there's something I should be doing right now... something that would put me back on the right path, but I can't figure out what it is.

Went online looking for depression hotlines. But what's the point of having hotlines that close at 10pm or earlier. I just needed someone to talk to, and this is good enough, I'm sure someone will read at least part of this post, cuz I know it's pretty long. That's good enough. I actually feel better already.



Ok. Goodnight...

I probably won't be asleep for another few hours, but whatever.

The light's out...

Spoke to an old friend the other week. I hadn't seen her for about 3 years, but we bumped into each other at Shoprite where she has a summer job.

Here's a little history: We stopped being friends because one day during my freshmen year of college she sent me an instant message saying that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Not only was it a very immature high school way to end a friendship, but it was a very hurtful way. Even back then I thought the entire concept of going to someone and saying "I'm not your friend anymore," was reminiscent of junior high, things that little kids say to other kids, not something said in an adult or even late-teen setting. The immaturity of the situation made me want to laugh, but the fact that someone that I had once been very close to was telling me that they no longer wanted me to be involved in their life... I was really hurt by it.

So to make a long story just a little shorter, I'll skip to after I'd given her my number. She called me up one night, and during the first real conversation we've had in years, she starts talking about some real serious issues like death. And this really reminded me of the problems with our past friendship. You have to remember, we haven't spoken in three years, this was not appropriate conversation. Then I remembered that she always did this type of thing... wanted to talk about these issues that I either cared nothing about, or spoke about serious issuse at inappropriate points in time (like bringing up natural disasters at a little party I threw to meet up with old friends and to catch up on each others lives and hang out, something planned as a fun event, to hopefully keep friendships from growing to far apart... we all grew apart anyway).

If she'd waited till we were more acquainted with each other a little better I would have felt more comfortable talking about this with her... You have to know, I have small panic attacks when I think about death... usually when I'm at home alone and I think just a little too deeply... every now and then I re-realize that no matter what I do, I can't escape death, and I start crying... I've even had a very real dream about my death. It's an issue that I typically avoid at all costs... I absolutely cannot talk about this in a casual conversation. So I didn't say a word, I let her go on a thirty minute rant about death, and I held the phone up to my ear while watching "Shakespeare in Love" on the television. Then she got mad that I wasn't really participating in the conversation. But there was nothing I could say to explain myself, because she put me in a position where I felt very uncomfortable.

So the possible rekindling of our friendship ended.