Mr. Mr. who is this Mr. Mr. ???

I did something stupid. I bet on myself, put my money on myself, thought I could depend on myself. But now I have to take that long list of people I can't trust and add my name to the list. I'm up to my neck in dept and I don't know what I can do about it at this point. I'm working 2 part time jobs and still don't make enough to cover the bills. My rent isn't even a REAL rent. About two months ago I started paying rent with credit, paying for my mothers cable bills with one of my visa's instead of giving her cash like I used to.

I'm also a full time college student trying to make it through my last year, but I messed up... and I don't feel like detailing how I messed up, but the short story is, my grades won't be too great.

.... I'd never really hurt myself, but sometimes, times like now, I wish I could kick myself in the ass for messing up my life. I'm not old enough to be this tired.

Not so dark...

Just realized that in the past, the only time I post on here is when I'm depressed. I think it's kinda funny.

Well I'm feeling good today, just got a new job, less financial burdens weighing me down. And I'm thinking I need to start posting on here more often, not just when I'm moody.

Anyway, it's late now, and I have a lot to do. I start work at 8:30 tomorrow, which means I have to catch my train at 6:05 a.m.

I gotta get my life together.

Read someone else's blog tonight that got me in the mood to vent. So now I rant...

I'm 22 in my 5th (AND FINAL,finally) year of college. Realizing that I don't really like my major, don't know what I'm gonna do with it afterwards. Sharing rent with my mother.

I got a guy that I keep telling myself I'm done with, yet I'm lonely so every time he calls I forget that I'm not supposed to be with him anymore. He's a loser, 28, in and out of jail for VERY DUMB stuff. Has an 8 year old daughter that he hardly sees even though she lives in the next town. He doesn't work, so I find myself spending the little bit of money I have on him. He's always smoking weed (I DON'T) and drinking.

I think my bodies maturing faster than my brain because I keep seeing babies, and all of a sudden they are soooo much cuter than they used to be, and I see myself with kids. Of course when I come back to Earth I remember, "Oh yeah, I really don't want a kid. I don't have the maturity, the patience, the money, the stability."

To me getting my life together would entail:

-get a good paying job
-get a place (either my own or with a roommate that is NOT A FAMILY MEMBER)
-and yes, I want a real boyfriend, cuz I need someone I can depend on and I don't have that... haven't had that

--- The ultimate thing I want is to start my life, cuz it feels like everything's on pause and if something doesn't change I'll wake and find myself at 35, still working somewhere I hate, still lonely, still childless, and OMG still living with my mother.

Depression, tonight...

I keep posting on different sites hoping someone will read this. I just want to know someone read this, AT LEAST PART OF IT. I don't know why I... I just need attnetion tonight... I'm lonely and I really don't have anyone to talk to. So I just want to feel like I told my feelings to someone.

I feel soo terrible, absolutely terrible. DEPRESSED

I was diagnosed with depression about 2 years ago. But I stopped taking the meds after about 3 months because I wasn't getting my period, and had a scare and thought I was pregnant. Anyway, I can't prove that it happened because of the pills, but I just have a feeling that the pills had something to do with me not getting my period for 2 months.

So now... the reason I'm writing this, I feel so lonely. Last night and tonight. Actually all summer, but now I can't stop crying, can't sleep, just wanna walk somewhere (it's 2 a.m. so that's not a good idea). My birthday's coming up this Sunday, so that's probably part of the reason why I suddenly feel this way. Plus this was supposed to be the year I graduate from college, but now all my friends are finished and I'm not.

I just feel so lonely. This guy I've kinda been seeing on and off for 2 and 1/2 years... he just sucks. He used to be a great friend, now he's still nice, but he just sucks. He's about 7 years older then me, still jobless, still lives with his mother. He still has pictures of him and his ex up on his Myspace. I let him know it bothered me (tried to avoid trying to boss him around and ordering him to take it down... cuz he should just want to take it down, if he cares about me now). But anyway, it's still there.

I have no one to confide in. I just fell like shit. Like my life is headed nowhere. I feel sooooo terrible. Can't describe the feeling right. I guess like I'm running out of time, like I'm waisting time, like there's something I should be doing right now... something that would put me back on the right path, but I can't figure out what it is.

Went online looking for depression hotlines. But what's the point of having hotlines that close at 10pm or earlier. I just needed someone to talk to, and this is good enough, I'm sure someone will read at least part of this post, cuz I know it's pretty long. That's good enough. I actually feel better already.



Ok. Goodnight...

I probably won't be asleep for another few hours, but whatever.