Cluster of Rushed Thought

(A look at thoughts that randomly popped into my mind. Over the course of 5 to 10 minutes I analyzed almost every personal subject that a person can.)

> > > I KNOW IT’S A LONG POST, JUST PICK ONE PARAGRAPH, I DON’T EXPECT ANYONE TO READ THE ENTIRE THING, I JUST HAD A LOT TO WRITE ABOUT THIS TIME.


Had a big brainstorm this morning. I don’t know how it started. I was watching TV and I must have seen a scene that triggered a thought, and then more thoughts just kept tumbling into my head.

Mortality Freaks Me Out
I thought of my grandmother’s funeral, and thought of how much I liked her. It’s one thing to be family, but to have family that you really like, that you would have chosen to know even if you weren’t related to them, that’s rare for me. She was always such a cool person. I think the thing I liked most about her was that she liked me, I can tell just from the look in someone’s eye, or the way they speak to me, exactly where I stand with them. And this might sound boisterous or obnoxious, but I really believe that she liked me more than some of the other family members. I think she understood me, understood a part of me, more than most.

I Rarely act so Over-sentimental
That led to thoughts about my nephew, how much I like him. He’s gonna be such a good looking guy when he’s older, and he’s sweet and I really hope he stays that way. My sister spoils him too much though and I’m afraid that he’s gonna end up going from a spoiled little boy to a selfish spoiled man. I have enough family members that I really don’t like that much, I’m hoping that he doesn’t become one of them. I focus on him so much because the only other family members that I know will be in my life, for my entire life, are older than me, so they’ll die before me, and then when I die, he’ll be the only one left to remember me. So I hope we’ll be close throughout our lives. I hate that he’s growing up so fast. I’m being sappy in this post, but I’m normally not that way at all. Mushy, “I love you” “I miss you” garbage makes me feel very uncomfortable. I feel it, but I never show it.

Ah Yes!!! The Beginning
Wait, now I remember how it started!!! I was watching Turner Classic Movies, as usual, and they had a segment about Lauren Bacal. And I started thinking about how I’d like my hair to grow long enough so I could where it the way she used to. And then I started thinking that I could where my hair like her, and then dress like a modern version of Katherine Hepburn. (I don’t have the fashion sense, nor the guts to pull it off, but if I did, I would definitely dress in a retro 40’s or 50’s style.)

Pretty Sometimes
I guess that led to me thinking about my physical appearance. I mean, I know I’m pretty at times, but then other times I feel like the ugliest thing in all of NJ. I guess the way I view myself depends on how good of a mood I’m in that day. Well now this part is making me uncomfortable. It’s weird to say I’m pretty. I really do know I am, but it’s just weird to say it, makes me feel ugly when I say I’m pretty. Hard to explain, so I’ll skip to the next subject.

A Bout of Depression
A commercial for depression medication got me thinking about my mental health. I was officially diagnosed with depression this past October, but I knew I had depression for years. It didn’t deeply affect my life, but every now and then I knew that I was feeling a little too sad for it to be normal. I don’t take the medication anymore, took it for about two months and then stopped when it threw my period off track, I got a little paranoid about the way the meds might be changing my body. Really, I believe that I was misdiagnosed. Yes I’m depressed sometimes, but I don’t see why they say it’s a chemical imbalance. It feels like just plan old emotional problems to me. I don’t really know why I think my depression is different from anyone else’s. All I know is that while I was taking that medication, I started using depression as an excuse, my grades fell, I was more emotional then I’d been before being diagnosed…. I had to forget about depression so that I could live normally. The pills made me think there was something wrong with me, and I started acting as if I had some kind of a handicap.


I would have kept on brainstorming but got distracted by this crazy movie. Wrote about the movie in the post under this one.