The light's out...

Spoke to an old friend the other week. I hadn't seen her for about 3 years, but we bumped into each other at Shoprite where she has a summer job.

Here's a little history: We stopped being friends because one day during my freshmen year of college she sent me an instant message saying that she didn't want to be my friend anymore. Not only was it a very immature high school way to end a friendship, but it was a very hurtful way. Even back then I thought the entire concept of going to someone and saying "I'm not your friend anymore," was reminiscent of junior high, things that little kids say to other kids, not something said in an adult or even late-teen setting. The immaturity of the situation made me want to laugh, but the fact that someone that I had once been very close to was telling me that they no longer wanted me to be involved in their life... I was really hurt by it.

So to make a long story just a little shorter, I'll skip to after I'd given her my number. She called me up one night, and during the first real conversation we've had in years, she starts talking about some real serious issues like death. And this really reminded me of the problems with our past friendship. You have to remember, we haven't spoken in three years, this was not appropriate conversation. Then I remembered that she always did this type of thing... wanted to talk about these issues that I either cared nothing about, or spoke about serious issuse at inappropriate points in time (like bringing up natural disasters at a little party I threw to meet up with old friends and to catch up on each others lives and hang out, something planned as a fun event, to hopefully keep friendships from growing to far apart... we all grew apart anyway).

If she'd waited till we were more acquainted with each other a little better I would have felt more comfortable talking about this with her... You have to know, I have small panic attacks when I think about death... usually when I'm at home alone and I think just a little too deeply... every now and then I re-realize that no matter what I do, I can't escape death, and I start crying... I've even had a very real dream about my death. It's an issue that I typically avoid at all costs... I absolutely cannot talk about this in a casual conversation. So I didn't say a word, I let her go on a thirty minute rant about death, and I held the phone up to my ear while watching "Shakespeare in Love" on the television. Then she got mad that I wasn't really participating in the conversation. But there was nothing I could say to explain myself, because she put me in a position where I felt very uncomfortable.

So the possible rekindling of our friendship ended.